When we need Jesus the most, in some ways, that’s when he is so hard to find.
I have been rocked by all these challenges. In these I cling to this truth that Jesus is closest to us when we are hurting. I know that he is a savior he weeps with us.
But I cling to the truth because if I didn’t cling on to it, that truth will float away from me. And I know that about Jesus in my head, only.
It’s so hard to feel it right now.
In the middle of this terrible, terrible time, I am being tested in so many ways. Intellectually, I get it, that we are not promised a life of roses and rainbows. But I struggle with not being angry at Him. It’s like, Lord, you have spent this time in such intimate contact with me. And I have with you. How could you do this to me?
I know it’s foolishness and wrong-headed. The sun shines on the good and evil. The rain falls on all of our heads.
It’s easy to lean on Jesus when it’s easy to believe that he loves me. Right now, it’s like I am having to trust the beliefs that I had. Because now, in the moment, it’s hard to believe that He has a plan, and he loves me.
One of the thing that carries me through is the practice and discipline I built up before, in easier times. Practice and discipline in praying and reading the bible and believing in a powerful God who loves me.
Another thing that carries me is the love and support of friends and families. Their hugs and acts of kindness and reminders that they are there for us. And also their example: they serve as reminders, through their actions, of the things I should be doing, the person I should be, even when I don’t want to.
These two things: discipline and friends, a pairing like law and love, like grace and obligation, these two things are what will carry me through. I am assuming I will get through. It is as though when times were easy, when things were good, I was building up speed, building up intertia. Perhaps, I am on a bike, accelerating down a hill.
But now the slope has turned against me, and it up, and above, and I don’t know how high up it goes. I just know that whatever I accumulated before I am spending now, desperately hoping it is enough to carry me through.