The second easiest thing to do is to be angry. To hold on to hurt, disapointment, victimhood, and anger. The second easiest thing is to fight back, hard. To cause the pain that was caused to you.
The easiest thing, of course, is to love somebody back they way that they love you. The easiest thing is when it all works out the way you both want it to.
Before I took communion this morning, I had this terrible realization. I was holding on to hurt because it was a way to hold on to them. I was grabbing on to my anger with them because I could not have the person themself. And somewhere, deep inside, it seemed like the next best thing. The closest I could have to what I really wanted.
If I could be assured that the person will always loom large in my life, if I new in my heart that there would be… something… I think I could let go of needing to have it on my terms. But the real fear is that if I let go of what there was, and if I let go of the anger, too, then there would be nothing, utterly nothing between us.
The irony is that I was really having a relationship with my own fear, and anger, and disapointment. These precluded in actual, living relationship with the real person, in the now: a relationship rooted in the reality of what is, not the world I want it to be.
I ate the wafer and drink the juice this morning. But only when I knew I was at least taking those first steps toward something fuller, deeper, and more pure than what I had been doing.