Yesterday was a shitty day.
There are aspects of my life that I had this hope were moving in a certain direction. Some of this sense of movement? Wishful thinking. Things have not come as far as I want them too.
A while later I was doing better. Not a lot better. But a little bit.
The thing I am learning about now is just sitting, and letting things be. In the middle of this hard time yesterday I did not do that very well.
I am spending some time, every day, just sitting. In a way I am praying at these times. But I am using fewer words to pray every day. In a way I am meditating. But also I am not. I am getting away from methods, a little bit. Not so focused on this way of sitting or that way of calming my thoughts.
I am learning a lot during these times. I lot about how the name of God is I am. A lot about how in the garden, Eve and Adam were accepting every moment with God in an undefended, vulnerable state, they weren’t grasping after a brain-centered knowledge about the nature of things. I am learning that when Jesus readied himself for the worst thing that ever happened, the knuckleheads who went with him, they just fell asleep: while Jesus was fully present to that moment of preparation, his followers were leaving him already, when they failed to experience that moment with him.
I let my hopes and delusions get in the way yesterday. I suspect that this quiet time I am spending every day is a bit like a fire drill, a bit like batting practice. I am teaching myself what to do in the quiet, calm, and easy times, so that perhaps it will be a little more natural to react in times when it is stressful, and important, and difficult, to react with openess, and emptiness and calm.
For the record? I am not very good at it, just yet. And I really don’t like it. But that’s the mission, for me, right now, I think.