My mom died about six months ago. This will be my first holiday season without her. I feel sad. I think that’s a good thing. I think it’s an improvement.
I was thinking about first aid class. When the body goes through a trauma it begins to shut down. The interesting thing is the way we close ourselves off from the awareness of how injured we are. We get spacey and nonsensical and clueless about the fact that we are injured.
I think there is a soul-equivalent to shock. I think I am coming out on the other side of it.
Now that I am walking with that pain, working through it, though, there is another thing.
I am doing battle now, with the Voices of Stupidity. They whisper idiocies into my every day life. At the end of the day, perhaps they are nearly as distressing and distracting as the pain and loss and grief.
The thoughts that creep into my head:
“You knew she was dying.”
“Your are 43 years old with a wife and kids of your own.”
“Others have gone through worse things.”
“You have had half a year now. Snap out of it.”
The reason they get traction in my head is that they are all true. But I find solace in a realization. The realization is that if person A. went through my last year or so, and person B. vocalized all those thoughts I listed, I would want to punch person B in the face. And I would be justified in that feeling.
The Voice of Stupidity, unfortunately, don’t have a face. But if they did? I would most definitely punch it.