I continue to be amazed at this whole grief thing. I am new to it. It’s one of those things that I guess we hope we never get too experienced at. I have this nagging voice in the back of my mind that wants me to spout some obligatory niceties about how pain makes us stronger and mature and stuff. This is the point where I am supposed to find the silver lining in my suffering. I am not really “feeling it” today though. At this particular moment, that is all cold comfort. I guess I am not as enlightened as I want to be.
My mom died months ago.
She is not suffering any more.
I guess I am supposed to gush about where she is now. How amazing it is. How happy she is there. How I will be there, too; there will be this reunion.
It is a little more difficult to admit that this also, it isn’t a whole lot of solace. I think it’s more difficult to admit that this one is no help because it leaves me looking, feeling, and being greedy and self centered. Of course I want mom not to suffer. But also, I want my mom here, with me.
NT Wright focuses on the idea that the history of Christianity is a story of Heaven crashing into Earth, of the divine invading the profane, of the Godly popping up in the midst of the human. This is the kingdom of God: eruptions of these little pieces of perfection amidst the rubbish that this world can be.
The original Jewish temple was such a place. And Jesus, fully God, dwelling among us is, too. The Holy Spirit invades Jesus followers, too. And all these are places where the kingdom is sprouting up, where heaven crashes into Earth.
I am so keenly aware of my mom as an ambassador of God. Parents, in their seeming omnipotence, are inherently this way to young kids. But my mom had this genourosity, this gentleness, this kindness. Even when I realized she wasn’t God, I saw God’s work through her.
I guess one of the things that hurts is that with her gone, I feel a little further from God. That stupid, yappy voice in the back of my head tells me that this is for the best, I should find God more directly. But I’m not much interested in listening to all those sorts of things, right now.