Good bye mom.

I realize how we find ourselves just wired into the fabric of each others lives. Where I begin and where you end, it’d easy to work this out if your dumb enough to only rely on your eyes.
But when we touch somebody, we carry the love they had on. And when we inspire somebody we awaken a passion that we never new we had, When we love somebody we invite them to live more fully. And when we live life together, these little tendrils join us together, the minutie of our daily rituals and partnerships.
My mom died tonight.
And one of the most painful thing I am doing is separating. Discovering the amazing things she did for me that I never noticed. I am reminded of all the things I took for granted. I am realizing that as I move foreward it will not be with her guidance, support, and perspective.
and this makes me sad.

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jeffsdeepthoughts

The stories that speak to our soul begin at a home where things are good. Cinderella is happy with her father. The three little pigs have grown up and are ready to move on. Bilbo Baggins knows his shire. Adam and Eve walk with God in the garden. My story isn’t much different. There was a time and a place where it was so good. There was a community for me. And there was joy. We were filled with a sincere desire to do what God wanted us to do. We possessed explanations and understandings that went a certain distance. We offered security and tradition and laughter. For a lot of years, that was enough. I have this sense that it was also necessary. I have this surety, now, that it certainly wasn’t everything. There were some things that became increasingly problematic as time went by. There was a desire to package things up so very neatly. Sunday morning services were efficient and strategic. Responses to differences of opinion were premeditated. Formula began to feel more important than being real. A real desire for everybody to be one of us, but also a real sense that there is an us, and there is a them. They carried a regret that it has to be this way, but deeper than this regret was a surety that this is how it is. I began to recognize that there was a cost of admission to that group. There were people who sat at the door, collecting it. Those people wished they didn’t have to. But I guess they felt like they did have to. They let some people in, and they left others out. There was a provisional membership. My friends did possess a desire to accommodate people that are different… But it would be best for everyone concerned if they were only a little bit different. I did make many steps forward in this place. Before I went there, there were lies that I believed. Some of the things that I learned there, I still hold on to. But that place is not my home anymore. Those people are not my community anymore. There were times it was hard. I am engaged in a different community now. And I am working hard at finding a place in many different places now, embracing many different kind of families. I don’t always get it right. I am trying and I am learning and I am moving foreward. I have this sense that I am not alone in these experiences. I believe that we are tribe and we are growing. We are pilgrims, looking for a new holy land. Perhaps we won’t settle on the same spot of land. But if you’ve read this far, I am thinking that we are probably headed in the same general direction. I have begun this blog to talk about where my journey is taking me. In every space, we find people who help us along. And maybe we can get to know each other, here. We embrace ideas that provide a structure for the things we believe, and perhaps we can share these too. Maybe we can form a group, a tribe, a community, if we can figure out a way to work through the shadow of these kinds of groups, if we can bigger than the us-and-them ideas that have caused so much trouble in the past. As important as they are, I think the very nature of online interactions will lend itself to something equally powerful. I am stumbling onto these practices that my grandfathers and great grandfathers in the faith engaged in. I am learning about these attitudes and intuitions are so different than the kinds of things we call doctrine today. I don’t know about you, but I am running out of patience, and even interest, in conversations about doctrine. I hope that maybe you’ll share a little something about where your journey is taking you, and maybe our common joys and challenges might help each other along, and we might lift each other up. Thanks for doing this journey with me.

6 thoughts on “Good bye mom.”

  1. Dear Jeff,

    I am sorry for your loss. From everything you have said of her in the past she sounds like the world lost a great person. She must of been an amazing woman to raise a person like you.

    Regards,
    Will

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  2. “When in afflictions valley
    I’m treading the road of care
    My Savior helps me to carry
    My cross heavy to bear,
    My feet entangled with briers
    Ready to cast me down,
    My Savior whispers His promise
    “I’ll never leave you alone”. -Anonymous

    No matter how tough these next few days, months, years are, remember God is right there for you. Let him carry you!
    Love to your family. If the Campbell’s need anything from the Blumer’s let us know. We’ll be praying esp for you guys during this time.

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  3. My heart goes out to you and carries with it the most sincere desire for the easement of your grief, as impossible such relief may sound right now. Your family and yourself will be in my prayers. I’m sorry for your loss brother,

    Like

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