A Little More from the Broken Dude.

I wrote, yesterday, about the fact that I am a broken dude.
At that point I did not have anything, really, to say about Jesus.
Jesus the Healer.
One of the very things that lead me to Christ was the experience of turning my pain over to Him.
I have been doing the best I can to follow Him as best as I can for a bunch of years. And it is still not my first instinct to just turn it over to him, submit it all to him, surrender it all to him.
I hope that some day, it will be.
But it occured to me, tonight, that it’s a little more complicated than all that.
(Seriously, if you have ever read my writing, would I suddenly find that something is more simple than it appeared?)
I have tried to turn my suffering over to Jesus, before. My suffering about this set of experiences; this painful time. There was a part of me tonight, that cried out, “How many times am I going to have to go through this? How my times will I need to bring Jesus back to this same place?”
But the truth is, I am not bringing Jesus back to the same place. As I discover these new ways that I am broken, these new aspects of the hurt, these perspectives I had never allowed myself to experience… I am actually bringing Jesus to these NEW places, as I ask him to heal me.
It occurred to me that Jesus pretty frequently praises people who show in almost outrageous ways how desperately they want to be healed; the women who grabbed his cloaked, the men who lowered their friend through the roof.
I can’t think of a single time that he approached somebody who didn’t ask to be healed.
It’s kind-of a harsh truth, not really all that warm and fuzzy. We can’t be healed where we haven’t agnowledged that we’re hurt. Jesus won’t go where he isn’t invited. There is a way to frame this that is kind-of awesome– he is a respector of our free will, we are junior partners in our own health and well being with him.
But still. This is hard. And it sucks. But I guess that’s just the way it is.


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The stories that speak to our soul begin at a home where things are good. Cinderella is happy with her father. The three little pigs have grown up and are ready to move on. Bilbo Baggins knows his shire. Adam and Eve walk with God in the garden. My story isn’t much different. There was a time and a place where it was so good. There was a community for me. And there was joy. We were filled with a sincere desire to do what God wanted us to do. We possessed explanations and understandings that went a certain distance. We offered security and tradition and laughter. For a lot of years, that was enough. I have this sense that it was also necessary. I have this surety, now, that it certainly wasn’t everything. There were some things that became increasingly problematic as time went by. There was a desire to package things up so very neatly. Sunday morning services were efficient and strategic. Responses to differences of opinion were premeditated. Formula began to feel more important than being real. A real desire for everybody to be one of us, but also a real sense that there is an us, and there is a them. They carried a regret that it has to be this way, but deeper than this regret was a surety that this is how it is. I began to recognize that there was a cost of admission to that group. There were people who sat at the door, collecting it. Those people wished they didn’t have to. But I guess they felt like they did have to. They let some people in, and they left others out. There was a provisional membership. My friends did possess a desire to accommodate people that are different… But it would be best for everyone concerned if they were only a little bit different. I did make many steps forward in this place. Before I went there, there were lies that I believed. Some of the things that I learned there, I still hold on to. But that place is not my home anymore. Those people are not my community anymore. There were times it was hard. I am engaged in a different community now. And I am working hard at finding a place in many different places now, embracing many different kind of families. I don’t always get it right. I am trying and I am learning and I am moving foreward. I have this sense that I am not alone in these experiences. I believe that we are tribe and we are growing. We are pilgrims, looking for a new holy land. Perhaps we won’t settle on the same spot of land. But if you’ve read this far, I am thinking that we are probably headed in the same general direction. I have begun this blog to talk about where my journey is taking me. In every space, we find people who help us along. And maybe we can get to know each other, here. We embrace ideas that provide a structure for the things we believe, and perhaps we can share these too. Maybe we can form a group, a tribe, a community, if we can figure out a way to work through the shadow of these kinds of groups, if we can bigger than the us-and-them ideas that have caused so much trouble in the past. As important as they are, I think the very nature of online interactions will lend itself to something equally powerful. I am stumbling onto these practices that my grandfathers and great grandfathers in the faith engaged in. I am learning about these attitudes and intuitions are so different than the kinds of things we call doctrine today. I don’t know about you, but I am running out of patience, and even interest, in conversations about doctrine. I hope that maybe you’ll share a little something about where your journey is taking you, and maybe our common joys and challenges might help each other along, and we might lift each other up. Thanks for doing this journey with me.

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