This season in my life sucks. I want to get that off my chest first thing. I don’t want it to seem like my motivation in writing this is to be all “ohh, look at him, look at him. He’s all holy stuff.” Nor do I want there to be an implicit finger wagging itself in judgement beneath all this.
I want to be upfront and say I would trade most anything… I would trade too much to get through this time in a quicker or easier fashion. (And here is why the theological debate of original sin is irrelevant to me: I make Adam’s mistake every day. It doesn’t matter to me if I would have inherited the penalty of his sin. I earn it by myself every day.)
But thank God, I am not faced with the choice Adam or Job were faced with. It’s not an option for me to take a cheater’s short cut through this. It’s said that we’re never given more than we can bare. We’re promised that God tests us, but never tempts us. Given that choice would be too much for me, I think, and God knows it.
And if I took the cheater’s short cut, if I robbed myself of this dark season, I would miss out on so much.
That’s why I feel called to write this today. I want to proclaim to myself and anybody who happens to be plodding through this: there is so much going on in my spirit right now. There is so much happening to me in this dark time. So much growth, that I think I’m just too shallow, thick-headed, and wimpy to achieve in any other way.
When I finally opened up the bible, the words jumped out at me with so much importance. It was kind of like going from a two-d movie into a 3-d movie. If the third d wasn’t breadth but breath; if the third d wasn’t about the georgraphy of space time, but somehow created a direct line to somewhere deep inside.
One of the things I read was how the John was sitting up, next to Jesus. He leaned into Jesus when he asked the teacher who would betray them. He leaned into him.
Who knows if that’s more of a metaphor statement than a literal description. John leaned into Jesus. Metaphorically leaning into Jesus is the best I’ll be able to do in this life.
I know all the cliches and I hear them all the time, about how close we’re supposed to be to Jesus. Frankly, some of them make me uncomfortable.
A biblical description becomes almost a biblical invitation to do it myself, though. It’s different than if it occurs in some cheesy worship song.
The bible itself tells me that Sitting right up next to Jesus wasn’t enough. Sometimes, we need to lean into him.
Maybe I’ll blog some more about the work that this time is doing in me, and on me. About 2 of the last 4 posts I’ve already published really are about this. But there’s more to be said, a lot more to be said.