I can find them,
In the way I can find the states I have never been to on a map.
In the way I know that I have a gall bladder,
Though I have never seen it.
Though I don’t actually know where it is within me.
And in fact I could not very precisely tell you what it does.
In the manner I understand the principles operating an internal combustion engine.
Yet, I could not identify the engine components,
Or remove, replace, repair the various pieces.
I can name them as easily as favorite authors I have never seen pictures of.
I know that they are there. I am sure that they are there.
And yet they are also abstractions… unreal, almost.
These blessings and things I might be thankful for.
I am trying. Please know that I am trying.
I understand that those who do not have what I have,
They might bristle and bemoan my ingratitude.
I don’t blame them for this.
I don’t know how to do anything except go through the motions
I am half-tempted to make my home in a lie and say all the things I am supposed to say
Do all the things I am supposed to do.
I might even think all the things I am supposed to think.
And yet I won’t feel it.
There is no room inside of me.
I am so full of this conviction
This is not how it was supposed to be.
I am not who I was supposed to be.
I am not where I am supposed to be.
I love these people in my life.
I love you.
And I know I would be so lost with out you.
And I do thank God for you.
Yet… I am two faced, ambivalent, confused,
Possessed of this dual nature.
I am living a life and a reflection,
Living at the same time impossibly in a pair of universes alternate each other.
I am so very lost.
This is not a reflection on you.
I hope it is not on me, either.
It feels impenetrable.
I feel so powerless before it.
Sometimes I wish so much
That I could just convince myself