My Garden

I’m sweating out blood here in my garden

Knowing that the first of your blood shed was there in your garden

I’m wishing that I wasn’t right here in this garden

hating that I’m knowing that it’s right where I am

supposed to be.

It hurts so much to find them all sleeping.

But you, too, found them all sleeping.

And I know that sometimes it’s me, I’m the one sleeping.

when you were the one

who counted on me.

So I’m seeing that cup and I gotta say that I’m wishing

Remembering those days that it was only for fish that I was fishing.

 Just because You don’t take it doesn’t mean you’re not listening

When I say God,

take this cup from me.

If this is what it takes, then God I guess I’ll do it.

I know you wouldn’t have me here if you weren’t going to see me through it.

Those first steps done, only the hard ones left

the beginning of the end’s over now and I remember what you said

And comforts hard to find, the one who said he loved me

he’s bringing them to hurt me he’s bring them, they’re coming

once I gave that kiss I’ll take that kiss now

if you won’t take this all away from me.

Those things that happen next

Take from me everything that’s left

Empty out what the world filled me up with

Made some space inside of me to be filled with what You Did.

Half the pain is what they do

The other half is that they did and do it to You

I wish that I couldn’t see

as they do it all to me.

Here I am, all alone

Here I am, before your throne

I followed the bloody path that you blazed

I followed it through those days

It is finished,

it is finished,

it is finally finished.

There is You

and there is me

and it is finished. 

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Published by

jeffsdeepthoughts

The stories that speak to our soul begin at a home where things are good. Cinderella is happy with her father. The three little pigs have grown up and are ready to move on. Bilbo Baggins knows his shire. Adam and Eve walk with God in the garden. My story isn’t much different. There was a time and a place where it was so good. There was a community for me. And there was joy. We were filled with a sincere desire to do what God wanted us to do. We possessed explanations and understandings that went a certain distance. We offered security and tradition and laughter. For a lot of years, that was enough. I have this sense that it was also necessary. I have this surety, now, that it certainly wasn’t everything. There were some things that became increasingly problematic as time went by. There was a desire to package things up so very neatly. Sunday morning services were efficient and strategic. Responses to differences of opinion were premeditated. Formula began to feel more important than being real. A real desire for everybody to be one of us, but also a real sense that there is an us, and there is a them. They carried a regret that it has to be this way, but deeper than this regret was a surety that this is how it is. I began to recognize that there was a cost of admission to that group. There were people who sat at the door, collecting it. Those people wished they didn’t have to. But I guess they felt like they did have to. They let some people in, and they left others out. There was a provisional membership. My friends did possess a desire to accommodate people that are different… But it would be best for everyone concerned if they were only a little bit different. I did make many steps forward in this place. Before I went there, there were lies that I believed. Some of the things that I learned there, I still hold on to. But that place is not my home anymore. Those people are not my community anymore. There were times it was hard. I am engaged in a different community now. And I am working hard at finding a place in many different places now, embracing many different kind of families. I don’t always get it right. I am trying and I am learning and I am moving foreward. I have this sense that I am not alone in these experiences. I believe that we are tribe and we are growing. We are pilgrims, looking for a new holy land. Perhaps we won’t settle on the same spot of land. But if you’ve read this far, I am thinking that we are probably headed in the same general direction. I have begun this blog to talk about where my journey is taking me. In every space, we find people who help us along. And maybe we can get to know each other, here. We embrace ideas that provide a structure for the things we believe, and perhaps we can share these too. Maybe we can form a group, a tribe, a community, if we can figure out a way to work through the shadow of these kinds of groups, if we can bigger than the us-and-them ideas that have caused so much trouble in the past. As important as they are, I think the very nature of online interactions will lend itself to something equally powerful. I am stumbling onto these practices that my grandfathers and great grandfathers in the faith engaged in. I am learning about these attitudes and intuitions are so different than the kinds of things we call doctrine today. I don’t know about you, but I am running out of patience, and even interest, in conversations about doctrine. I hope that maybe you’ll share a little something about where your journey is taking you, and maybe our common joys and challenges might help each other along, and we might lift each other up. Thanks for doing this journey with me.

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