When I

married you

for a time

I saw only God’s Magic

we two were made one


when it got hard

and it did get hard

I spent some time beneath God’s Magic trick

looking up at it from down and below.

I entered into something deeper than magic


I did not understand


you did not understand


we did not understand

why it hurt

and it did hurt!

and how we might stop hurting


This lead us down and down and down

I took up a shovel which had apperently been left there for me

and I began to dig deep

hoping to uncover the source of my shadow there in the ground.

I began to reflect on the monsterousness of this all:

Frankenstien too, was one flesh

made from many.

Conjoined twins once were circus fare

now, doctors labor desperately to seperate them

even at risk of them both.

And yet we are who born singly

we make this our dream?

In the dirt and the depths

I never dug out my shadow.

But I discovered something:


God does make us one flesh

and it can make us better.



I wonder if it would be easier

if this great change

was made manifest to the eyes.

If we were sewn together on the altar

the stupdity of walking off in opposite directions

would become so clear.

If we shed our own blood

when we hurt the other

we couldn’t deny the truth of our senses.

If our bodies


had to work themselves out

then perhaps our soulfailures

to complement each other

might be better understood.

When two things come together

again and again

across the years

there are a variety of results

Each might smash away at the very essence of the other

maneuver for dominion

continued existence…

these might simply anhilate eachother.

Consider a sledge hammer made of dirt clods

having its way with a sand castle

in the end? It’s all dust.

I began to dig myself up and out of that dust.

As I pondered the alternatives.

I can agnowledge the inevitable erosions

the undeniable submissions

and releasing some of the precious parts of me.

But there is so much more!

I was once a rock only.

You were scattered water.

Now we are a river bed… someday a valley.

You do wear away some of who I am

and I focus you in these whole new directions

we are both greater for our joining.

I step out of shadow

and I return to the mystery with this understanding:

The promise was never

that we would be made perfect before we were made one flesh

but we are moving closer because we are one flesh

I find myself made new

I am this one flesh with you.

He brings us up and off the ground

a rediscovered True magic

He fills the spaces between us up and joins us together.

We are this little trinity

a gateway through which we might view

the greater one.


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The stories that speak to our soul begin at a home where things are good. Cinderella is happy with her father. The three little pigs have grown up and are ready to move on. Bilbo Baggins knows his shire. Adam and Eve walk with God in the garden. My story isn’t much different. There was a time and a place where it was so good. There was a community for me. And there was joy. We were filled with a sincere desire to do what God wanted us to do. We possessed explanations and understandings that went a certain distance. We offered security and tradition and laughter. For a lot of years, that was enough. I have this sense that it was also necessary. I have this surety, now, that it certainly wasn’t everything. There were some things that became increasingly problematic as time went by. There was a desire to package things up so very neatly. Sunday morning services were efficient and strategic. Responses to differences of opinion were premeditated. Formula began to feel more important than being real. A real desire for everybody to be one of us, but also a real sense that there is an us, and there is a them. They carried a regret that it has to be this way, but deeper than this regret was a surety that this is how it is. I began to recognize that there was a cost of admission to that group. There were people who sat at the door, collecting it. Those people wished they didn’t have to. But I guess they felt like they did have to. They let some people in, and they left others out. There was a provisional membership. My friends did possess a desire to accommodate people that are different… But it would be best for everyone concerned if they were only a little bit different. I did make many steps forward in this place. Before I went there, there were lies that I believed. Some of the things that I learned there, I still hold on to. But that place is not my home anymore. Those people are not my community anymore. There were times it was hard. I am engaged in a different community now. And I am working hard at finding a place in many different places now, embracing many different kind of families. I don’t always get it right. I am trying and I am learning and I am moving foreward. I have this sense that I am not alone in these experiences. I believe that we are tribe and we are growing. We are pilgrims, looking for a new holy land. Perhaps we won’t settle on the same spot of land. But if you’ve read this far, I am thinking that we are probably headed in the same general direction. I have begun this blog to talk about where my journey is taking me. In every space, we find people who help us along. And maybe we can get to know each other, here. We embrace ideas that provide a structure for the things we believe, and perhaps we can share these too. Maybe we can form a group, a tribe, a community, if we can figure out a way to work through the shadow of these kinds of groups, if we can bigger than the us-and-them ideas that have caused so much trouble in the past. As important as they are, I think the very nature of online interactions will lend itself to something equally powerful. I am stumbling onto these practices that my grandfathers and great grandfathers in the faith engaged in. I am learning about these attitudes and intuitions are so different than the kinds of things we call doctrine today. I don’t know about you, but I am running out of patience, and even interest, in conversations about doctrine. I hope that maybe you’ll share a little something about where your journey is taking you, and maybe our common joys and challenges might help each other along, and we might lift each other up. Thanks for doing this journey with me.

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